Situation · Partners and dating
“He hurts me and then says sorry and it's perfect for a while”
What could be going on
Coercive control: Violence then remorse is a recognised abuse cycle; check your safety and contact a domestic abuse service.
Trauma bonding: Fits if the loving phase after each incident makes you feel closer, not further away.
Intermittent reinforcement: The sweet periods can keep hope alive; check whether incidents are getting closer together.
You walk on eggshells around them: Check whether you're constantly managing his mood to avoid the next incident.
Narcissistic rage: Fits if violence follows feeling slighted, criticised or refused.
Learned helplessness: Fits if you've stopped believing anything you do could change it or get you out.
Questions to carry
- How long do the good stretches last now, compared with when this began?
- Who could I tell about the times he hurts me, and where could I go if I needed to?
Also said as
- my boyfriend pushed me then cried and promised it'd never happen again
- she hits me and then is so loving afterwards
- cycle of abuse then apology
- my husband gets violent then buys me flowers
- he gets violent and then is really sweet
- my partner hits me and then apologises