The method

To identify what is going on in a person, come up with two or three explanations for what you see, then watch for the evidence that tells them apart. Treat any label as a hypothesis. Keep it until their behaviour over time confirms it or rules it out.

Six steps

Work through these six steps in order. The first two gather evidence. The middle two weigh possible explanations. The last two check them in real life and over time.

1. Observe behaviour, not character. "She went silent when the deadline was questioned" is an observation. "She's defensive" is already an interpretation. Describe what a camera would have recorded.
2. Notice what they evoke in you. Feeling bored, protective, irritated, dazzled, guilty or uneasy around someone tells you something about how they operate. Clinicians call this reaction countertransference and rely on it heavily. Treat it as a clue, and check that the feeling is not mostly about your own history.
3. Come up with at least three explanations. The same behaviour can have very different causes underneath. Chronic lateness can come from avoidance, passive aggression (saying no by being late instead of in words), ADHD, entitlement (feeling that other people's time matters less), depression, or a chaotic home.
4. Find what tells them apart. Each explanation predicts something different in a new situation. Every entry in the Dictionary lists these signs, called tells, that separate it from its look-alikes.
5. Test lightly. Change one thing: praise instead of critique, give space instead of pursuing, ask one direct question. See which explanation the response supports.
6. Revise. Hold a label for weeks, not minutes. A pattern repeats across settings. A state, such as a bad mood or a tired week, passes.

Four levels of description

You can describe what is going on in someone at four depths, from a passing state to a clinical disorder. The levels help you decide how deep a claim you can make about a person, and how sure you can be of it. The higher the number, the longer the thing lasts and the more evidence you need before naming it. At level 4 an outsider cannot make the claim at all. For each level you get what it is, how long it lasts, an example, and what you can safely conclude from outside. Level 3 takes in attachment, defences, schemas and character style, and each has its own chapter later.

1. Level 1

   State

   A passing condition

   Lasts

   Minutes to days

   Example

   Anxious before a pitch

   What you can conclude from outside

   That it is happening.

2. Level 2

   Trait

   A stable tendency that everyone has to some degree

   Lasts

   Years

   Example

   High neuroticism (a general tendency to feel worry and distress)

   What you can conclude from outside

   Fairly reliably, after weeks of contact.

3. Level 3

   Pattern or style

   A recurring way of handling needs, feelings and people: attachment, defences, schemas, character style

   Lasts

   Years, triggered by context

   Example

   Idealises new partners, then devalues them

   What you can conclude from outside

   Reliably, if you see it across several relationships.

   Where most useful identification happens
4. Level 4

   Disorder

   A pattern that is pervasive, rigid, and causes real distress or impairment

   Lasts

   Long-standing

   Example

   Narcissistic personality disorder

   What you can conclude from outside

   Not reliably. Diagnosis needs a history, a structured interview, and other causes ruled out. You can name the pattern.

Most useful identification happens at level 3, patterns. A state is too brief to tell you much about the person, and a disorder is a diagnosis you cannot make from outside. You can see a pattern for yourself if you watch it repeat across several relationships. Traits tell you how someone tends to behave. Patterns tell you why, and what they will do under pressure.

Four rules that prevent most misidentifications

These rules catch the most common mistakes. Run through them before you settle on any label.

• Function over form. Ask what the behaviour does for the person. It might protect them from shame, keep closeness at a safe distance, keep control, or get care. The function tells you what you are dealing with. The form is how the behaviour looks from outside, and it is only the surface.
• Ordinary causes first. Most difficult behaviour comes from fear, tiredness, grief, stress or incentives that reward the wrong thing. Personality disorders account for a small minority of people. Rule out the ordinary explanations before the clinical ones.
• Context and culture. Directness, eye contact, emotional display and deference to authority vary by culture, class, gender and setting. A behaviour becomes a pattern when it shows up across settings where it doesn't fit.
• Pressure reveals structure. People show how they are organised underneath when they face criticism, loss of status, a win, conflict, being told no, or holding power. Watch those moments more than calm ones.

What a good identification sounds like

Not "he's a narcissist." Instead: "Under criticism he goes cold, then counterattacks. Praise restores him quickly. He rarely asks about anyone else. That fits grandiose narcissistic defences better than shame-proneness, because he doesn't withdraw or attack himself. Next I'll watch how he handles a peer's success."

You don't need these terms yet. In brief, grandiose narcissistic defences protect self-esteem by inflating it and hitting back. Shame-proneness turns the hurt inward, into withdrawal or self-attack. Both have full entries later.

That identification names the behaviour, the pattern, the evidence for it, the alternative it rules out, and the next test. Every section below is built to support identifications like that one.